Q&A

We are so thrilled to have introduced this section to our community! The new Q&A section gives our members the opportunity to ask anonymous questions and get answers from some of our judgement free experts.

Experts and Sexperts Include:

~Aar: Former Toronto Dating Coach who specialized in teaching inhibited men how to come out of their shells and attract a loving partner, Relationship Expert, Psychology graduate with specialties in Human Sexuality.

Frank Kermit: Frank holds certifications for Trauma Counselor, Hypnotherapist, Grief Counseling, Intervention and Training for Abusive Relationships, Understanding sexual problems in the context of psychotherapy and Sexual Attitudes Reassessment. 

 

Q: For almost 4 years I was involved with a man and we participated in BDSM. He was my master, and I his submissive. We had a very documented love life (he loved to record everything) especially when we played with others; more like when he let a number of others play with me. Anyways, that was a long time ago. I now live with my fiancé and he knows nothing about my past. He knows that I had one major relationship but does not know anything about the group sex, the BDSM or the videos. I ended up with most of those videos and photos I think, but not all (my Master still has a few). Also, I was blindfolded most of the time during group play, and although my master assures me that no one was was recording anything, there were times when it happened. I live with the secret fear that my fiancé might find my box of tapes and pictures and stuff. He is way conservative and would not understand. Can you suggest any place that I might store this so that he will come across it at home?

- Submissive Cindy

 

Dear Cindy,

I knew a woman once that was in a similar situation. She was a swinger with her ex, and had exactly the same situation with videos and pictures, afraid that her husband would find them. She ended up giving her collection to a male friend of hers to hold on to so that she could get it back anytime she wanted, but it was not where her husband could get to it. Ironically, life being what it is, her and and the male friend have lost touch, and now she doesn't even have access to her videos and photos.

As I teach it during my pre-marriage coaching sessions as well as in my coaching workbook for women I'M A WOMAN, IT'S MY TIME EBOOK I would suggest that the BEST thing you can do is to tell your fiancé about your past BEFORE you get married. Just as you would want to make an informed decision about who you are marrying, you owe your husband-to-be the same opportunity to make an informed decision.

You have a very simple, but difficult, choice to make.

If you are certain he would not marry you if he knew your past, end the engagement immediately. If he wouldn't marry you if he knew your past, do not marry him.

A Broken Engagement is Better Than A Happy Divorce!

If there is a chance he might be able to handle and accept your past, tell him and give him the opportunity to accept you fully, and even though it may be a shock for him, it is better to do it this way. At least if he knows about it, and it comes up from someone else in the future, he will not be caught off guard and made a bigger fool for you not telling him.

At some point, the chances are that it will come up.

If you have any friends that knew what you were into, it will come up (just like what started to happen to the lady I mentioned earlier that was previously involved with the swinger culture. She had friends from those circles that stayed in touch or would re-connect with past lovers, or just had platonic friends that knew the details of her past. She had to start cutting ties with everyone because some of her contacts were getting careless about what they mentioned around her and her new family.

Also as you mentioned in your question, you were blindfolded most of the time, and thus there are chances that there are videos and photos of you out there in the hands of people you do not even know. In fact, they might already be on the Internet as you have no control over what your ex (or others from the group activities) will do.

Bottom line is that, you cannot build a life with your new fiancé with this threat constantly hanging over you. In the meanwhile, there are storage companies available (with the note that unless they are packaged and sealed, even the people storing them could view them. Make sure the photos and videos are labeled inconspicuously. There is always the option of destroying the material (burning would be best as you can not guarantee where just tossing them in the trash will land them).

I would not suggest giving them to any of your friends. Friendships come and go, and you might lose touch with them and not be able to retrieve your momentous (just like the lady from swinger culture I mentioned earlier).

In this case, honesty really is your best policy if you want to build a solid foundation for a marriage. If this marriage could not handle honesty, it is not the marriage for you. Also, if you desire to ever explore this fetish and lifestyle again in the future, putting yourself in a marriage that could not allow it, would be a mistake.

-Frank Kermit Of Franktalks.com